Cancel the fucking wedding rules!

How to do away with antiquated traditions and plan a uniquely YOU union

So you're in love! You've found another human that you think is pretty great and you're down to spend some pretty significant time together. But if you're anything like me, you're trying to think how the fuck to do that in a way that celebrates your love and honors your values without celebrating all the outdated and let's face it, sexist, traditions that come with weddings and marriage. So let's break down some of the weird traditions that seem to weasel their way into every bloody wedding... and most importantly, figure out whether or not they have any place in your day.

I don't really get the whole getting ready apart thing. This is the person you're saying is your person above all other persons. Why the fuck are you not enjoying the entire day TOGETHER? Better yet - why aren't you starting the day off with an intimate lover’s shoot?

I don't vibe the whole antiquated gender roles of bridesmaids and groomsmen. They're your mates - boy, girl or chook (that's a family in joke - ask me about it!) - they shouldn't be made to deindividuate, dress in a uniform and act as your 'maid' for the day (or lead up) - they are your equals. Let em fucking shine as their glorious selves like they would any other day. Same thing goes for bucks and hens…. Why not just party all together? The idea of tying a literal ‘ball and chain’ to the groom’s ankle for a weekend is a pretty outdated joke if you ask me.

Fathers giving away brides - you are not a possession to be swapped between males like a dowry. Walk into this deal with your partner! Hand in hand!

I definitely don't get bridal showers. You've found the love of your life and made a commitment to choose each other every day for all days - you don't need any further gifts ontop of that. And the world doesn’t need any more lame parties encouraging more landfill in the form of gift wrapping, balloons, plastic champagne glasses and the like. The earth has had enough dick straws people! (God please, don’t have these at your hen’s party… if you’ve decided to ignore point 2 that is haha).

Weddings are for you and your partner and should be whatever the hell you want them to be!! If you have to pretend to be something you're not to appease or impress your family or friends - they're not worth inviting.

Dresses don't have to be white. Dresses don't have to be dresses… (I’m a big jumpsuit fan from way back). The point is - you're not a puritan - well at least if you've made it past my nude ‘about me’ image I'm assuming you're not - you don't have to follow this saintly virginal tradition.

Bridal tables where you sit away from all your guests are just plain weird. Bridal party entrances are even weirder.


Wedding favours are a waste of money that nobody really cares about. You're giving people free booze, food and freaking good times - they don't need another landfill item to take home to the bin.

Table photos – Oh god how I hate table photos. You are never going to hang these on your wall. If your wedding is so large that you don’t get to spend much time with a lot of your guests (and by time I mean cutting shapes on the dancefloor that will absolutely be captured in hilariously glorious photos) then what is the point of having them there? I can assure you, by the time the MC starts directing you to stand at each table and smile with your guests – you will be so fucking over those kinds of photos! 


Now if by now you’re thinking who the hell is the negative Nancy who has turned all our plans on their head – hear me out. Firstly - I am not totally anti-tradition - I am anti meaningless tradition. If there are rituals that you connect with, by all means keep them!  And secondly - if your wedding plan included traditions that you do not connect with - it’s not your fault! The wedding industry is a big fucking beast that has been doing this shit for decades – centuries even! And the problem with all that experience is, sometimes, like a neglected sex life in a long term relationship- it’s easy to fall into the pattern of doing the same thing again and again, because its effective and it gets the job done. But we are conscious lovers people! We are not sex neglectors and we are not status quo followers. So what’s the solution?

Sit down with your lover and make a list of all the days you have spent together that were fucking epic. All those ‘day of all days’ moments. And what made them so special.

Was it that one Christmas morning that you woke up at dawn, went for a skinny dip and then had a sneaky quickie on the sand while the rest of the world was still sleeping?

Was it the hike through the Blue Mountains followed by an afternoon drinking beers and people watching in the streets of Katoomba?

Was it the wild house party where all your mates ended up naked and dancing on tables?

Was it the marshmallows and beers and drunken ‘Wonderwall’ renditions sung around a campfire, sandy feet and salty haired?

Was it the mornings in the swag, nestled in each other’s arms, watching the morning light begin to filter through the trees?

Pick all the little moments of goodness from these days and plan a wedding around what you love doing together. I promise you it will be more rewarding, and a helluva lot more fun making a wedding that is uniquely you. Don’t let the stress, pressure and expectations of the fairytale turn you into another bride who gets to the end of the speeches and all you want to do is take your shoes off, unbutton that fucking suffocating dress and lay the fuck down in bed exhausted.

Check out these legends below who did it their way. They hired an avocado farm (no lame 'wedding venue' rules there!) They setup swags and tents for the guests. And then they had a rad fucking time!

And so did I!